I think my fart just growled at me.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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