When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dear god my vagina.
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