my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
