Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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