Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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