i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
