She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
