My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
All I want is dick and wine.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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