I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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