I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
