I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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