Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
