After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
