did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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