I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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