how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
