so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
