If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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