Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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