We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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