You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
