Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
