Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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