Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
