dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
