Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
