you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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