I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
The best revenge is premature balding
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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