thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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