My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You had me at "let me see your balls"
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
