I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
