this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
