I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
