I got chris browned last night
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
