so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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