Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
