Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
please don't ironically join a cult
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