Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
