my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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