I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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