i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
