my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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