my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
