hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize