I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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