I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
