Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
