Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
