genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
