my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
