so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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