Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
