I wish I could punch you in the face.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
