filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
