At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
