True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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