fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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