If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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